“A 1939 American Civil War epic known for its racism. To learn more about Black lives in America, search for ‘Black Lives Matter.’”
(Actual description of Gone with the Wind on Netflix)
- Gone with the Wind, continued: That you would even click on this disgrace is testament to your deplorability. You’re the reason Afro-pessimism exists. Ta-Nehisi Coates should pen a long letter gently excoriating your white privilege. And no, lusting after the Duke on Bridgerton doesn’t mean you’re woke.
- Schindler’s List: You like your Holocaust fare lite, don’t you? What, you’re too busy to watch Shoah? If you’re going to indulge in this pro-German, apologist kitsch, you might as well slap a Camp Auschwitz t-shirt on yourself and descend on Capitol Hill.
- Parks and Recreation: Okay, fine, but you’ve got to promise me that you’ll look away whenever Aziz Ansari’s on screen. I’m trusting you on this one.
- Seven: Either you’re a sick puppy who enjoys miserabilist gore and violence against women, or you hate Goop-era Gwyneth so much you’re happy to imagine her head in a box. If the latter, pop the jade egg out of your vagina and break open the popcorn. I condone your viewing choice.
- Any of the Harry Potter movies: I was once like you, taking delight in this magical world. Whenever J. K. Rowling’s name came up, I thought, yeah, she vomits adverbs wantonly, recklessly, ill-advisedly—but she makes children excited to read! How awesome is that? Little did I know that she was just grooming them for her transphobic screeds. Expelliarmus
- Braveheart: Let’s talk. It’s bad enough that this thing is about as historically accurate as Trump’s comments at a Tulsa rally. But then there’s You-Know-Who, the Voldemort of Hollywood anti-Semites. I know, I know—you just want to fantasize about a sylvan frolic with a man in a kilt. Try Outlander Yes, it features sexual violence, but it targets men and women equally. Is that better these days? Even I can’t keep track.
- The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: There are, like, two Japanese actors in this whole movie. But hey, that’s more than Memoirs of a Geisha, so I’ll cut you some slack. At least you’re not watching Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
- Blue Is the Warmest Color: Do you really think this is how two women make love?
- Showgirls: You show superior taste in selecting this elegant work of art. Meticulously researched, the film mixes ancient myth, MGM-style musicals, and 90s couture. It is in no way an objectifying, everyone-got-AIDS-and-shit absurdist flesh fest. And nothing, I repeat nothing, is amiss with the male lead’s hair. (Note: This summary was written by Paul Verhoeven or Kyle MacLachlan.)
- Antichrist: You’re a menace to society. Look, we’re all into some weird stuff. Who am I to judge? But this is the kind of kink only Lars von Trier could love. Do the rest of us a solid and go live among talking foxes.